Fathers influence us and shape our world – either in a positive way or a negative way! Or both!

This wasn’t the intended subject for my September blog and had I not had a dream last night about my Father I’d be writing now about New Beginnings.

Fathers – we all have one, they influence us and shape our world – either in a positive way or a negative way! Or both!  We learn from them, through their example, actions, opinions, words, behaviours and our individual perception of them over the time we know them.  They teach us how to love, how to treat people, we learn how to feel our own sense of self worth and they guide our ambitions and our capability.  None of us escape their influence – whether they are an active part of our life or not!

18 years ago my Father died!

As a little girl I adored him – I followed him everywhere and I was never happier than when I was curled up on his lap. He was everything! He knew everything, he could make anything and fix what ever was broken. In my eyes he was my world!

But I grew up and I became a stroppy teenager that he just didn’t understand – I felt I was a disappointment to him and he became critical. Our relationship changed and although we were close, something was lost along the way. I am not blaming him, it was just we were different and we saw our worlds very differently…

So why am I telling you all of this?

Well – When I was 36 we had a big falling out – a really big one!!!  Things were said. Feelings were hurt and then he died!  I wrapped my heart in blame, guilt and shame – and created a composite image of who my father was and who he wasn’t – and I carried on my life a little harder, a little more hurt and a little poorer for the judgements I made.

I dreamed of him last night.

It was so real, so clear – as if he really was standing in front of me – smiling kindly just as he did when I was little. He was just Dad! I don’t remember the words he said but I asked him to hug me and I told him I was sorry. And I cried. I cried because none of it mattered and when I woke I had a strong sense of forgiveness that travelled between us through time.

And today my heart is a little softer and a little more open and I can be a little kinder to myself. After all, my Father was a person. He was not just my father! And he was not only the man I idolised through the eyes of a little girl.

He was himself – with his own strengths and weaknesses and an inner life I knew nothing about. He was a son, a husband, a brother, a friend and a colleague. Others saw a different person to the one I knew…and I think he was a stranger to himself – not perfect, not blameless, just a man doing life the best he knew how with the life experiences that he had.

The father relationship is an important one.

In a recent interview Russell Brand talked about how he has learned to father not just his own children, but to father the little boy inside who was so damaged in his childhood.

The Archetype of THE FATHER is a very powerful one when he is expressed in balance.

In “Digging Deep”, my 12 week programme, we delve deeply into six of the masculine archetypes, harnessing their positive attributes in order to bring about positive change so men are empowered to be confident in their masculinity, equitable in their relationships and a leader within.

Fiona Ross, September 2020
Coaching for Men

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